Jó lesz ez az angol fogalmazás?

Előkészítőre járok, és azt kaptuk házinak, hogy fejezzünk be egy fogalmazást. Az első két mondat adott volt, onnantól nekünk kellett kiegészítenünk 120 szóra. Így is több mint 120 szót írtam, de szerintetek jó lesz ez így?:/ Vagy írjak teljesen mást? Aki vet rá egy pillantást annak előre is köszönöm.

"Once upon a time in the wild west a cowboy walked into a bar in Texas. At first he was not any different from other cowboys, except his blue eyes that twinkled in the afternoon light.

The cowboy was about 35 and he looked weary. He was very thirsty and the weather was dry and hot. His boots and clothes was dirty. He walked into the bar which was near the road, next to the desert. There was no one in the bar except the barman, who was cleaning a table.

He took off his cowboy hat and asked for a glass of water. The barman carried the water out. The cowboy drank it and stood up. He wanted to leave the bar, but the barman said: ’Hey, you forgot to pay the water.’ But the cowboy was just laughing. Then the barman pointed to his gun on his belt, and smiled. The cowboy stopped laughing. He frightened. He took out his wallet and threw some coins on the table, then he fast left the bar. Now the barman was laughing."